How to go to the Bathroom in the Middle of the Night


Wake up at 3 A.M in your apartment and realize you have to pee. Think about how much effort it will take to walk to the bathroom. Decide you actually don’t have to pee. You just think you have to pee.

Go back to sleep. Wake up 5 seconds later. You definitely have to pee. Fall back asleep. Have 30 second dream that you woke up, went to the bathroom and are already back in bed. Wake up for real and realize that was a dream and you still very much have to pee.

Check your pajamas to make sure you didn’t pee the bed while sleep peeing. Remember the time you did that in second grade. Feel embarrassed all over again.

Think about other times you’ve been embarrassed. Make a mental note to talk  with your therapist about why these elementary school incidents still make you blush.

Remember you have to pee. Check the clock. 3 AM. Debate with yourself on whether you should just forget about it and go back to sleep. That’s only 4 more hours until you have to really get up. Might as well not bother now.

Realize that it’s 3 AM and you’re wide awake. Stress out that you’re wide awake on a work night. Think about all the precious minutes of sleep you’re losing. Every minute of sleep you lose in bed is a minute less of work productivity. Freak out about how little work you’ll be able to do tomorrow due to your sleep loss.

Feel your bladder growing heavier. It’s serious now. You need to get up and just pee. Just get it over with. Peel back the blankets and do it. Seriously, do it. You’re wasting valuable sleep time here.

Stand up. Walk into a wall. Curse at yourself. Trip over bathmat. Sit down on toilet and pee. Stand up and go back to bed.

And it’s easy.

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